How content...

I have written stories. I have read stories.

Some stories, such as these, leave me in a state of turmoil. A part of me finds them lovable, and another part of me wonders if I relate to them at all. So instead of smiling a half truth smile, I smile exactly the way I should.

Sometimes I feel like I am playing games with my soul, touching more than I can reach out to. I can play act well that way. And at other times, I wonder how calmly aimless my life is. I am still lost, not wanting to be found, drifting peacefully, content with my aimlessness.

And thats when these stories come up from nowhere. Hitting me with these waves, splashes, bursts of excitement and daring me to not be swept away. But you know what, I am as happy and content being swept away, as I am not.

A very thin line there between dead and content, isn't it?

So heres one -

Can a content man die?

The chase had ended and the drama was over. Each breath that they now took was drenched in this stunning silence. They loved watching movies together before going to bed, and this was yet another satisfying one. This time, a thriller.

As he slipped into his dream with the ease of his hand slipping into hers', warmly tucked under the blue blanket, she moved for the umpteenth time getting her sleeping posture just right. They had hardly begun to wander off into that blissful dream state, when he suddenly felt her soft but cold hand on his cheek. His eyes smiled and he knew it was morning. And she had again woken up, walked around the house, enjoyed the chill in the air, and now back to relish the warmth of a winter morning bed with her love in it. Yet another beautiful morning next to his girl, the girl with the prettiest smile in the whole world.

As she moved closer, he opened his eyes as much as he could, kissed the inside of her palm and pulled her into his arms, hugging her with every inch of his existence.

She felt soft and nice, and he felt content. A broad smile brushed his sleepy face and he slipped back into the dream. The dream of having your dream in your arms.

He was content, and dead to the world.

at 31... i am feeling good

i just changed the look of my blog! yay! (i think its the woman inside me who is feeling good about it. not sure if that's a good thing, but then ...they say you get wiser with age!). so, after some umpteen attempts at restarting crimson feet, it just feels like it might finally happen. these things you can't explain... you just know it! isn't it? (tsk! not me.. its that woman again)

so i had a little jog down my blog. last most active phase of CF revolved primarily around this character i had created, called "Ramprasad Rasiya!". Apart from RR, there were a fair amount of posts revolving around the idea of god, will power, relationships, morality etc.

a lot has happened since then. i fell in love and got married. (and the rest is thanks to my wife). i ran a marathon. I have 2 dogs now. got my wife's debut novel published (and psst psst... her second novel might soon be out). i traveled way more in the last 3 years than i did in the previous 27. i am planning to buy my second car. i have finally started running and exercising again. i know a little more about a few more things, and worry lot less about many more.

i am wondering what might this phase of cf be all about. motivated by Roger Penrose's "Shadows Of The Mind" and a workshop on semiotics by Santosh Desai, these days i am exploring the idea of reality (sensory vs unassailable truth), perception, and meaning of things. i am also grappling with some deep and disturbing moral questions like "is it fair to say that more the number of fools it takes to screw up your day, better the human being you are?", or something less complicated and more frustrating like, "why does zoozoo drool so much?".

i wonder..

but one thing i know... at 31, i am feeling good! :)

pouring out ...slowly

Supernatural Venting

O+ : halkat!
O-> : aha! you are in the mood

O+ : the puss which oozes out of the fungus on stale bread!!
O-> : right. precisely

O+ : the doggy poo which stinks... the fly with AIDS... the mosquito who is infertile
O-> : okkk. baby... feelin better :)

O+ : a lil
O-> : good... u can say more... like a rotten anal wart from a dead pig's colon!

O+ : yuck!!! bleh! gives me goose bumps
O-> : ok ok. then smthng less disgusting.. like... a fly without wings?

O+ : ok
O-> : ...and a crawling cockroach with no antennae?

O+ : yuck... like a swatted cockroach with broken legs and diahrohhea! ...like the poo of a honey bee when its got dysentry
O-> : lol. that sure was a good one

O+ : he is the rotten stink of a dead rat. puke!
O-> : come on now. u cant puke on this. u said it urself! :)

O+ : so what? the thought makes me puke..
O-> : lol. ok baby. we are tryin to get some peace into ur system here.. so cool

O+ : he is the dehydrated semen of a nymphomaniac
O-> : Awwwsssoommemeeeeee. THAT was the BEST! ...seriously.
he is the sperm flushed away after masturbation in a pakistani refugee camp...

O+ : dont have fun at my expense
O-> : ahem! that WAS a good one

O+ : I dont really hate pakistanis that much
O-> : oh. ok

O+ : not ALL of them are bad you know
O-> : then .. well ... we can make it... a donkey's sperm flushed away after masturbation?

O+ : lol!! yeah... and ...he is the rash inside the butt crack of a farting hedgehog
O-> : HAHAHAHHA... how coool. u are really getting a good hang of this

O+ : ya rrrright!!!!
O-> : :) really baby...u are doing very well. u excel at everything u do

O+ : yuck!... I just got s disgusting thought
O-> : tell me tell me :)

O+ : he is the herpes inside the vagina of a menstruating woman
bleh!!
yuck!!
puke!!
urgh!
O-> : HAWWWWW... yuckkk. really yuckkk. but then, i think this is when u hit the peak. venting out is good

O+ : he is the condom on a dildo without batteries
O-> : he is the lube used when making animal porn

O+ : he is the bacteria in the tooth cavity of a stinking mouth
O-> : ... the bell shape curve requiremnt is being fulfilled... ur behaviour in the last half an hour has been certified as totally natural

O+ : he is horrid and mean and selfish and a virgin and I will hex him so that he remains a virgin for the rest of his life. His heart will want all the action but his body wont RISE to any occasion and he will get the job as a bartender at a strip bar with boobilicious women!
O-> : okkkk then!!... u ARE defying nature

O+ : how come?
O-> : u picked up tempo after going down on the bell curve!!

O+ : huh?
O-> : u ARE, my girl, supernatural

O+ : yeah yeah yeah!

After a long time... i say

A man's weakness probably lies in his conscious struggle to evolve, or in his inability to enjoy the rigour of evolution! However, when it comes to happiness, we can comfortably ignore evolution.

i have no clue what happened to Ramprasad Rasiya... and given that I am not Jimmy, possibly i cudn't have had much clue ever. but i sense that he walked away. he had legs u see... and one who has legs is supposed to do things that people with legs do... things like.. walking away. he had legs... he did what he was supposed to do... he walked away. OK! point made. what next?

while ramprasad rasiya did what he was supposed to do... even jimmy did what he thought he was supposed to do... one of them, out of a multitude of things, was to ...well.. ahem...think... yes.. thats what he thought he was supposed to do... so he did that

...in all this "doing what one is supposed to do" it suddenly struck me that there need not be just ONE "supposed to do thing" in a man's life... for eg . apart from having legs, ram prasad rasiya also had a mouth and tongue. so while he was justified in being "supposed to walk" he was also "supposed to talk"... and hence he should have ideally talked away while he walked away.
But Ramprasad Rasiya never did that... he walked away silently.

Jimmy on the other hand, doesn't know, or will never know all and every possible thing that he is supposed to do.
(i for one just don't want to repeat that phrase again)

Amidst all this riff raff, which may not matter to many, what must really matter is this...

...the intensity and passion with which one focuses on a faceless but positive future, while a tangible and rather questionably exciting present stands in their face, is the only thing that decides what exactly it is that one is... supposed to do!